Alfredo
by greenlemons
Summary: For Support Stacie winner gallatheya. AU inside my AU. Eric, Sookie and Bill try and figure out who the baby daddy is.


***READ THIS FIRST***

**AN: Okay. This is for Support Stacie winner gallatheya who requested a European version of Maury because of the similar baby-drama that Eric, Sookie and Bill were having in my fic _Over the Hills and Far Away_. We had a very detailed and long discussion with several other fanfic authors on twitter about the possibilities and we basically said it must be written. I was nervous about it, and so gallatheya won the auction and requested this fic. So. Here it is. It's an alternate universe in my alternate universe -- this did not actually happen but it's based off the same characters and same situations I had in OTHAFA. **

**It is all in good fun and is meant as a joke.**

**This is for gallatheya, I hope you enjoy it! It was fun to write!  
**

Alfredo

Pam was speechless when she received the phone call from her cousin Eric to tune into the Spanish "reality show" on Monday morning. She didn't have the impressive television that Eric had so she made her way over to his apartment by nine to watch from satellite. It was so fucking early. The channel Eric told her to watch had subtitles zooming along the bottom of the screen and she sat back, trying to work out what all of this was about. Eric had up and left almost a month ago with no explanation and only a voice mail left behind. She had scarcely talked with him and was only aware that he had followed a girl. It was very out-of-character of Eric to go to such lengths as to do anything that required the bare minimum of him as a male presence in a woman's life (besides sex) and the fact that some tourist had him by the short-hairs baffled his cousin.

So here she was, at an ungodly hour waiting for whatever hare-brained scheme Eric had concocted on Spanish television. It seemed to be a talk-show of some sorts already. There was a man sitting on the couch welcoming his audience. Pam discreetly pulled out her glasses, thankful that nobody could see her using them. She read the subtitles.

"_Welcome to 'Alfredo', I'm your host Alfredo Garza." _The camera angle switched rather choppily and he turned to the new light. _"Today we will be exploring the world of infidelity_." The audience 'ooooh'd'. "_Our first guests, are Americans. Can you believe it? They came all the way from America and got into a sticky situation with a Swedish man. Poor Sookie Stackhouse finds herself pregnant and doesn't know who the father is! This is her story!" _he waved his arm toward the big screen behind him and it blacked-out for a moment.

Pam was already too aware of the fact that the 'Swedish man' was clearly going to be Eric. What the fuck had her cousin gotten himself into?

The screen showed a young blond woman who was very attractive. If Eric had left Stockholm for her then Pam completely understood his reasoning's. She had a calm exterior as she began to relay her story:

"_I'm Sookie Stackhouse, and I'm twenty two years old. I came to Europe after college with my boyfriend of two years, Bill._" There was a shot of Bill standing on the street looking coolly at the camera and then swiftly looking away. Pam noticed that if he had long hair, it'd be flipped over his shoulder like one of Charlie's Angels. He acted as if he were better than the camera man. She found him to be a douche already and was sure that his voice would be worse. _"But when I caught Bill with another women in Paris, I left."_ The audience boo'd at Bill's infidelity. Pam couldn't help but snicker as they'd show different shots of Sookie crying and Bill shaking his head, denying at the camera. "_I met Eric in Stockholm and he's just...the greatest. He's been so nice to me and honest and he's convinced the baby is his." _Sookie was crying in earnest now and Pam could see her mascara running. Really? This was ridiculous. Pam shook her head wondering if Eric was playing a joke on her. "_I just want to find out who the father is and move on from that_."

The camera swooshed down back to Alfredo who was looking smugly at the camera. "_Now, let's see what Sookie's ex-boyfriend Bill, had to say about it."_

Bill's brown, floppy hair and dull brown eyes stared at the camera, looking pissed off, his lip curled over his teeth while he clicked his tongue. _"I don't know what Sookie's talking about. I did not cheat on her with some woman in Paris. It's ridiculous. I would never do something like that! I love her and I know that baby is mine. Just because she sluts it up with some foreign asshole don't make it all right and sweet that she don't know who the baby daddy is. I'll tell you who it is...It's me!"_ Bill shook his head several more times at the camera and waved it off as he turned his back sharply and his segment was cut.

Alfredo raised his eyebrows questioningly at the camera. _"Let's bring Sookie out!"_ There was some sympathetic clapping as Sookie came out. She was dressed in a casual white dress. Pam snorted wondering if she was trying to be virginal. This was unbelievable. She worried for a moment that her eyes might be permanently rolled in the back of her head. Sookie had her blond hair flowing down her back and she was very pretty, Pam admitted, if not a bit of a whore – if she was honest with herself, that was her kind of woman.

Like the good host he was, Alfredo greeted Sookie with a kiss to the cheek. She sat down in the chair that had two others beside her, ready for bachelor number one and two. Pam wondered if she could make popcorn during the commercial break.

"_So, Sookie, this is quite the situation you've got yourself in,"_ Alfredo said. A person dressed in jeans and a t-shirt ran up onto the small elevated stage and began whispering in Sookie's ear the translation.

"_Yes_," she said slowly. The man behind Sookie's chair quickly turned to Alfredo and responded Sookie's answer in Spanish. Alfredo nodded wisely and the audience 'ooo'd'.

"_How do you feel about it? You have family back home? What do they think?" _The man thought for a moment as he translated it and then spoke it in broken English, it was faintly overheard: _"You have family at home? They think this is good!"_

Sookie looked startled by what the man said. _"Well, to be honest, I haven't told my Gran yet. She'd be very disappointed_." The man translated to Alfredo who gasped.

"_Keeping secrets from her family. Not only is she impregnated by one of two men but she hasn't told her _grandmother_!"_ Gasps from the crowd filled the studio. Sookie didn't know what Alfredo said but she wrung her hands anxiously, blushing under everyone's disapproving gazes. The translator said: "_Your grandmother will think you're a prostitute!" _

"_What?"_ Sookie looked horrified at the thought.

"_Let's see what the _other_ man has to say about this!"_ The screen flashed to Pam's cousin Eric. She let out a noise of frustration at seeing her cousin stare at the camera all broody.

"_I met Sookie a few weeks ago in Stockholm,"_ he started. Pam heard that stupid accent he did for the tourists. He was already lying to his 'baby momma' she snorted in disbelief. _"I had never felt that way with anybody before_." Pam could definitely take Eric more seriously than this douche Bill who had been flipping his little bit of hair, and whipping his head around to flash that camera a withering glare. Her cousin didn't have to do any of that to win the sympathies of the crowd he had his natural charm and good looks. If he was pulling the romantic angle, he'd be the audience's favourite. "_Sookie is the most beautiful woman. I want this baby. It will be a daughter, I can feel it_," he put his hand to his heart. Pam knew the tricks Eric played; it was often what he did with the ladies at the club whenever one tickled his fancy. Bloody hell. _"I think I may be in love with Sookie and I want to spend forever with her and our kiddie." _

The crowd let out a loud 'aww'. Sookie was crying, tears running down her face. Alfredo handed her a tissue. "_Do you want Eric to be your baby's father?"_ The man translated, _"The father of the baby – could be Bill could be Eric." _Was there no one else who could translate?

"_Yes_," Sookie said, sniffling.

Alfredo gave the camera a 'come hither' look. It was the only way Pam could describe it – he was basically eye-fucking the television audience and looked like a pedophile. "_Let's bring Eric and Bill out!" _Pam saw her cousin walk out first followed by Bill. The height difference was hilarious. Bill was only up to Eric's shoulder and walked as if he had a stick up his ass. Eric was calm and casual. To her shock, Bill shoved Eric forward a bit. Instead of getting mad, her cousin seemed to snort at the short man, finding it completely hilarious at his immature behaviour. Pam was disappointed. She wanted to see a fight. Isn't that what these shows were for?

Eric took the seat beside Sookie, separating her from Bill. Bill looked pissed at this arrangement and moved his chair pointedly away from the two of them, who held hands. Eric ignored Bill, Alfredo and the audience were riveted when he brought their clasped hand to his mouth for a kiss. The audience cooed over the affectionate gesture. Pam found herself gagging.

"_Eric," _Alfredo paused as he gazed at Eric, who was only staring at Sookie, reaching up and wiping away her tears. She smiled shyly at her European liar. Pam could hardly believe the games Eric was pulling, the accent, the affection – it was hilarious, if the situation wasn't so damn pathetic. _"Eric, do you love Sookie?"_ The translator stood between the two lovers, his beady eyes darting between the two of them. _"Is this love?" _The question he posed was more philosophical than a question toward their personal feelings.

Eric smiled wistfully, kissing the back of Sookie's hand again. _"Yes_." He said. The audience whooped and cheered. Sookie blushed and Eric dipped her down over his knees and gave her a massive kiss in front of the world.

"_Oh hell no,"_ Bill interrupted. _"Suckeh iz mahne."_ The fact that what Bill really meant was "Sookie is mine" and the subtitles spelled it _that_ way with his ridiculous Southern accent, had Pam rolling on the couch in tears from laughter. "_This Euro-ho stole my woman. He has brainwashed her! I did not cheat! And that baby is mine!" _The crowd walloped and boo'd at Bill.

"_I don't know," _her cousin said slowly. _"Sookie and I have a lot of sex_." The crowd screamed their approval at this statement.

Alfredo winked at the camera. Pam wondered if the world had gone insane. Words flashed across the bottom of the screen and the subtitles told her that _the lie-detector results are in!_ The only guy who seemed to be working (Pam wouldn't be surprised if he was operating the cameras too) moved from being translator, to running off stage to grab the folder with the lie detector results.

Alfredo dramatically whipped it open, crossing his legs and peered carefully at the love triangle before him. Eric was relaxed, Sookie was tense and Bill was twitchy.

Pam found herself edging in her seat, anticipating the drama.

Alfredo said, "_When we asked Bill, if he had cheated on Sookie in Paris, he said no the lie detector determined _that_ was a lie." _The crowd jumped to their feet screaming and fist pumping the air. Sookie's head snapped to Bill, glaring at him, shaking her head. Eric looked smug.

"_When we asked Bill, if he had cheated on Sookie _before_ Paris, he said no and the lie detector test determined _that _was a lie._"

Sookie's eyes bugged out. "_What?! You cheated on me before Lorena?!_"

Bill's chin jutted out. _"I didn't that's a lie. I didn't do it. I would never do that, you _know_ me Sookie."_

"_I don't know you, Bill. I'm glad you're out of my life and even if this baby's yours, you're not going to be a part of it." _The crowd cheered and Bill's eyes flared as he stood up, pushing back the chair. Pam watched her cousin stand up at the threat and the crowd was writhing from the ecstasy of a prospected fight.

Yep. The translator was also the bodyguard. He stood between them, his hands out as if he could withhold them. Maybe Bill, but Eric's arms were about the size of this guy's thighs.

Alfredo stood up, standing with his multi-tasking employee. "_Eric, Bill, let's sit down. Don't you want to know who the father is?"_ Alfredo moved in closer to Bill, looking all sympathetic and kind. "_Don't you? Come on, relax. It'll be okay."_ Suddenly he was soothing the bad guy. Bill looked blankly at the TV-show host. The man translated: "_Sit down and shut your mouths. The father will be told soon. Father, yes? Yes? Sit. It's okay." _

Pam told herself that the translator was her favourite part of this circus. Flashing across the bottom of the screen told everyone that _the results are in_! Pam found herself on the edge of her seat, engrossed in the train wreck in front of her. It was mesmerizing.

Alfredo stood up, looking very important while the guy in jeans ran off behind the camera to get another folder. Alfredo held out the folder to the crowd, who screamed in delight. To Pam's amusement, he jumped off the small platform and the guy in jeans had to jump behind the camera to follow the host who went in front of the audience showing off the hidden results. The crowd jumped and practically had orgasms of excitement and anticipation.

He returned to his spot where Sookie was looking pissed off. Eric was leaning back, comfortably glaring at Bill who was pouting and scowling at him and the audience. The guy in jeans jumped back up onto the stage, settling himself right behind the victims of the show.

"_Are you ready for your lives to change?" _Alfredo boomed dramatically. The lights flickered. Pam wasn't sure if that was for show or the studio really was _that_ cheap. He turned to the three of them as the translator said, _"We're ready now."_ Sookie held onto Eric's hand, while her cousin shot Bill a smug expression.

Alfredo tore the envelope with his teeth. Primal response from the audience had this all going to his head, it seemed. He looked at the results. "_In the case of Sookie's unborn child, Bill you are..."_

Everyone was gripped. The translator stopped to give the same drama as Alfredo. Sookie was crying already, expecting the worst.

"_...NOT the father."_ The words flashed across the screen and Eric jumped up, snapping his fingers in Bill's face going 'ha ha ha ha'. Bill turned red and stood up abruptly, his chair falling over and stormed out of the studio. The camera followed Bill as he stormed backstage pacing back and forth in a circle, before it got snowy when he attacked the camera man. Pam laughed in delight. A black screen and then the camera flashed back to Eric facing the crowd who were cheering for him. He raised his arms, displaying his person to all of them – he was the man. He returned to Sookie who was still crying and lifted her around in a twirl kissing her. Sookie laughed slightly.

"_Eric, Eric!" _Alfredo interrupted his victory, looking miffed at all the attention leaving him. He flashed a smile to the camera as a reminder of who he was – the host. _"We still have to see if you're the father_." The translator said: _"Now you're turn._"

"_Why?"_ her cousin flummoxed. "_Bill's not the father._"

"_Yes, but what if there was _another _guys?"_ Eric frowned and turned to Sookie whose mouth hung open.

"_I did not, you – you pasta man!_" Sookie snapped.

Alfredo tapped his chin. "_You seem very defensive_." The translator said in her ear, "_You lie, we see in your eyes."_

Eric cocked a brow, giving Sookie a once-over. Sookie's eyes widened. "_This is ridiculous,"_ she shook her head. _"Eric's the father. You don't need to read that result. Bill isn't. That's all I care about_."

Alfredo put the results at his temple. "_I think we should just make sure. Right Eric?_" Sookie heard: _"Eric needs to know. Bye-bye daddy."_

"_What?_" Sookie implored, looking confused and astonished. "_Fine. Just read it."_

Alfredo listened to the translator and finally nodded. "_In the case of Sookie's unborn child, Eric you are..." _Eric stilled. Sookie rolled her eyes and told the translator she had a headache. _"...the father!" _

Pandemonium, once again. Pam watched her cousin jump around the studio excitedly and Alfredo fake tears of joy. She turned off the television, having had enough.

Eric's apartment door opened and she looked over to see him walk in with the Sookie, who she had just seen on the television. She remembered her glasses and swiped them off rapidly.

"Hi, did you see?" he asked, beaming. Sookie looked a bit nervous with her head down as she said hello.

"I had second-hand embarrassment," Pam yawned.

"They asked me to act big," Eric looked proud of himself.

"Certainly. I sort of hate you right now though," Pam said.

Sookie cleared her throat. "Why?"

Pam sighed. "Well, now I'm going to have to get up early every fucking morning to watch that shit."

**HAHA. Okay. Thanks for reading. Don't forget to review :)**


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